After a century of theory and experiments, scientists created an atomic fusion reaction that lasted for five seconds.

At this rate, we’ll have sustainable atomic fusion energy five or ten years after the sun explodes.

According to the government, the military cornered a terrorist who then blew up himself and his family.

Translation: We bombed a random building in the desert and killed a bunch of strangers.

Justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement so that Joe Biden can fill the seat before the Democrats get curb-stomped in the mid-term elections.

Then staffers spent three hours explaining to Joe that he cannot nominate Major, even if he is old enough in dog years.

There was no World Economic Forum (WEF) conference in Davos, Switzerland this year, where 600 point-one-percenters fly their private jets to an event where they vote on the sins of the peasantry while eating $40 hot dogs. Instead, there was The Davos Agenda, an online event that was opened by Xi Jinping.

Let that sink in. The "president" of the only functioning communist government telling a bunch of capitalists what a great job they’re doing. Something ain’t right.

A couple of weeks ago a guy came to the door and tried to sell to me a T-shirt, leather jacket, and membership to a motorcycle club.

I passed. I know better than to get involved in those Fonzi schemes.

Fun Fact: Hamsters cannot get drunk.

Less Fun Fact: They only drive Kia Souls.